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You Can’t Make This Stuff Up – May 2016

Woman claiming to be Jesus charged with shoplifting

A woman who allegedly wheeled a cart of merchandise out of a Dollar General without paying for it and, when confronted, claimed to own the cart, the store and to be Jesus Christ is now facing a shoplifting charge. Authorities responded to a call about a shoplifter and arrived to find Pamela Graves Thornton in the parking lot next to a shopping cart full of merchandise. Standing nearby was a Dollar General employee who reported that the woman had left the store without paying for the goods. The employee told the deputy she had warned Thornton she would be arrested for shoplifting if she did not pay for the items. The employee also told the deputy that although Thornton was unresponsive and incoherent she had said the items belonged to her, the store belonged to her and that she was Jesus Christ. The employee said Thornton had been acting strangely while in the store, consuming a sherbet Push-Up without paying for it. The deputy found 73 items in Thornton’s car valued at $338. The items were photographed as evidence and returned to the store… [The News Courier]


Video captures shoplifter’s faceplant into SUV

Police are still searching for a shoplifter who was stopped in his tracks while fleeing the scene of his crime, running right into a SUV on surveillance video. In this must-see video, you see the suspect running out of a South Carolina Walmart, looking back to make sure he isn’t being caught. Unfortunately, he doesn’t appear to be paying attention once he hits the doorway–he trips and falls face first into the side of an SUV that was driving by the front of the store. Whether dazed by the blow or the stupidity of his actions, the shoplifter stands and stumbles from the scene. The local County Sheriff’s Office says the suspect was carrying $40 worth of meat while fleeing the business… [NBC News]

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78-year-old nun arrested for shoplifting

State police say a 78-year-old nun was caught shoplifting $23 worth of coffee, snacks and toiletries from a central Pennsylvania store. Troopers say Sister Agnes Pennino was seen taking the items from the Surplus Outlet store. Police determined the woman captured on surveillance video was the nun who lived about 20 miles away at a convent in Danville. The station says Saints Cyril and Methodius Convent officials declined to comment. Nobody answered the phone at the convent when reporters contacted the facility to seek comments. The nun will likely pay a fine if she’s convicted… [NBC News]


YouTube…or YouKnucklehead? (Video)

When you do something illegal, posting about it on the internet isn’t a smart idea. When you do something really illegal, like robbing a bank, that’s something you REALLY shouldn’t post about on the internet. Apparently 19-year old Hannah Sabata didn’t think about that when she decided to make a YouTube video showing off her loot. The Nebraska teen clearly is better at stealing things, than thinking things through. After her crime spree Hannah couldn’t wait to tell her friends, so she made a YouTube video where she holds up signs talking all about her crime spree. Not only did she rob a local bank, she also stole drugs out of a car, and then stole a Pontiac GrandAM, all of which she details in her video, which she so cleverly titled ‘Chick Bank Robber’. In the description of her video she says “I just stole a car and robbed a bank. Now I’m rich, I can pay off my college financial aid and tomorrow i’m going for a shopping spree. Bite me…” [KISS FM News]


LP Solutions

Police trick 19 criminals into coming forward with free beer

Undercover officers at Derbyshire police sent letters to dozens of people who had evaded arrest asking them to ring a marketing company to collect a free crate of beer. A total of 19 suspects fell for the hoax and called the number on the letter, which put them through to police officers based at Chesterfield Police Station. They were told that they needed to arrange a date and time for the free alcohol to be dropped off at an agreed address. But instead of being handed free ale the wanted men found themselves confronted by police, handcuffed and under arrest. Chief Inspector Graham McLaughlin, who is leading the sting known as Operation Rocky, said: “These suspects are people who have managed to evade arrest for some time so we have used different tactics to find them… [The Telegraph]


Cop’s Dashcam Captures Drunk Guy’s Creek Plunge

Okay, we’ll admit that this story has absolutely nothing to do with loss prevention—but it’s still worth a look. The day’s comic relief comes courtesy of Lincoln County, Tennessee, where police dashcam video catches a passenger exiting a stopped pickup and promptly falling headfirst into a creek. The man emerged relatively unscathed, save for the charge of public intoxication he now faces. The truck’s driver, meanwhile, was charged with DUI. “You don’t fall in, either,” the officer can be heard telling him at one point… [Newser]


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Pet store burglary bogus; employee used primate as payment to prostitute

We would remiss if we didn’t include the story of Gooey the monkey, and his recent adventure reported earlier this month.

Eugene police say an exotic primate that was reported stolen from a pet store was actually used by the store’s co-owner to pay a prostitute. Police began investigating in early March when Zany Zoo Pet Store reported the theft of $7,000 in Girl Scouts donation money, a laptop and a Galago primate nicknamed “Gooey.” Surveillance video from a neighboring store viewed by police allegedly showed McClain, whose wife owns the store, breaking into the pet shop. Gooey was located on March 17 when authorities interviewed an out-of-town prostitute who had the primate. The prostitute told police that McClain paid her with money taken from the pet store, including cash stolen from a Girl Scouts donation jar. Gooey was allegedly a tip for the encounter. The woman has not been named and is not facing charges. “It’s my first time ever recovering a monkey from a prostitute,” said Detective Rick Lowe… [Fox News]

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